Monkey see, children do: Mom looks at evolution

As a fairly conservative Bible banger, I still have to admit: Evolutionists might be on to something.

I don’t have legitimate scientific data on this subject but, as a mother of a toddler, I have a few observations worth considering.

First, my son uses his hair as a paper towel. I witnessed this same conduct at the Knoxville Zoo in the chimpanzee exhibit. Cleaning hands with the top of the head is certainly not learned behavior. My husband and I are hyper-clean freaks with an addiction to Clorox wipes. Plus, to my knowledge, we’ve not had a play date with George the chimpanzee.

Secondly, in what I now refer to as the Potty Training Strike of 2010, I can confirm several episodes of throwing feces. Again, this is common monkey behavior.

My third observation is my son’s tendency to stuff large volumes of food in his mouth, chew it and then spit it out for examination. I don’t know if I can connect this to the chimps, but it is certainly not human behavior.

Physically, my boys’ arms are not disproportionately long, but for some reason, they can reach everything, especially if it is harmful to their health.

All of the scientists who have dedicated their lives to observing chimpanzees should consider writing a survival guide for parents with toddlers. This would be of far greater value to the human race than trying to support the theory of evolution.

A couple of years ago, the Smithsonian Magazine ran a story about Laurie Santos, a psychologist and chimpanzee-observer from Yale. Laurie said her observation of primates offered “a window into the evolutionary past of human beings.”

I think Santos needs to come to my house and observe my children. She is sure to realize how little we’ve evolved.

With Evolution and Creation, I don’t really want to commit to a theory. However, I do want my children to learn all the theories so they have a shot at critical thinking.

To be clear, I believe God created the world. This is not a hard sell, but Genesis, Chapter One, is kind of short. I’m sure if I had the time to research and the energy to care, I would attach my beliefs to a combo theory that had an extra helping of respect to Scripture with a side of science.

Right now, I just want to know when my toddler will have a functioning conscience. If there is an anthropologist or biologist who can answer that, I would appreciate it. I asked my pediatrician but she just laughed at me. It was a serious question.

In the meantime, I’m wondering if Dr. Jane Goodall is available to babysit. Anyone who spends 45 years in a jungle with chimpanzees is probably the best candidate to care for my toddler.

She’s probably busy so I would settle for a sitter with a zoology degree and a Hazmat suit. Okay, a teenager with a strong gag reflex is fine, too. I always warn my sitters that children are like monkeys: They are really inappropriate and gross but entertaining and cute.

I don’t really know if we evolved from monkeys but with toddlers in the house, I just can’t ignore the data.

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